Tuesday, June 30, 2009

And here, I thought I was living the American Dream...

What would you say is the "American Dream"? I guess in a way, it's different for everyone. But the basic gist is to provide a good life for your family, right. Give them what you wished you had or did have, that you loved and appreciated.

When I look at that, I would say we fit the bill. But to my amazement, some people wouldn't say that at all. Some would say that I am a "financial burden" on my husband. That I have "given up my dreams" to stay home with my kids. Or that I am "holding him back" from pursuing his dreams. Forgetting the fact that Josh and I live a comfortable life and we ARE living out our dreams. We don't go on vacations every year and we do have a little credit card debt. But for the most part, if we want something, we buy it. We have a beautiful home, new car, healthy, happy children. What exactly is wrong with me not having an outside job?

I actually priced the things we would need for me to run off to work, a little while ago. For child-care of my children ages 4, 2 and 6 months it would be at least $700 a week. And the maid would be between $50-100. When I was working (up until 4 days before Maria was born), I was making about $400 a week. So that would mean at the end of the month we would be in debt $1600. I'm pretty sure THAT would be the financial burden on my husband. And all of this is just me hoping that I could even find a job. Not to mention, my kids would be raised by a stranger. And who exactly would be cooking dinner every night because after working a long day at the office, I certainly wouldn't feel like doing it. Oh and the laundry...8 LOADS A WEEK,(which would probably be 9 or 10 when you add in my dress clothes) would probably never get done.

I did do it at one time. I went to work when Josh got laid off 2 years ago and guess what, we ALL hated it. But if we needed money, I would get a job on nights and weekends. We would all hate it, but if it were an emergency, I would do it. Right now, though, I would never change what our family is doing. We are doing what works for us. I feel terrible that there are women who want to stay home with their kids and can't. I feel blessed that we all get to do what we want and no one is suffering because of one persons selfish desire to "get away from her kids" and go to work. Josh gets to do the job he loves, I get to do the job I love and the kids get to have their mommy here every day to raise them and teach them how to be well-behaved kids and good people. (Something, apparently not taught in daycares in our area). What exactly is wrong with that? Why do certain people think less of me for doing what we ALL want me to do?

And when exactly did life become all about money anyway? To me there are things that are FAR more important in life. Things like being there for my kids when they need me, being the one to hear their first words & laughs. Seeing their first steps and first time rolling over. Keeping a clean house and having dinner on the table when Josh gets home from a hard day at work. Being there when they get off the bus and have had a bad day at school. I want to be the one there waiting with milk and cookies and hugs to let them know I am here for them when things get tough, not a nanny. I don't ever want to be too busy with work to spend time with my kids. Because they are only this age once. You never get that time back and I don't want to have any regrets as a mother. When my kids are graduating, I would rather have an empty bank account and a full heart, knowing that I was there for every game, recital, concert, bad day, good day, EVERY DAY of their lives. I grew up knowing that my father always felt there was something more important in his life than me. I never want my kids (or husband) to feel that way. And if my kids want to go to college and have a career, I will support them in that. But if they want to be stay-at-home moms (or dad) I will support them in that too.

Right now, I am fed up with generalizations and accusations and judgements and everyone thinking they could run my life better than I am. So this is my defense. This is me explaining why I do what I do and why I have no desire for that to change. If it means we can't go to the Caribbean every year, that is fine with us. It will make us appreciate it even more, when we do get to go. I am doing the best that I can right now. I am trying my hardest and if that isn't good enough for you, I am sorry...for YOU.

*stepping off my soapbox*

Friday, June 26, 2009

75 Things

Alright Tricia, I will accept your challenge to write 75 interesting facts about myself. OK, I don't know how interesting they will be, but they will be facts. ;-)

  1. I wanted to go to Paris on my honeymoon.
  2. But I would never change a thing about the honeymoon we actually took to Cabo.
  3. I HATE tomatoes
  4. But I LOVE tomato sauce, spaghetti sauce & ketchup.
  5. I LOVE apples and anything with apples in it.
  6. But I HATE applesauce
  7. I HATE when people use a "k" to start words that are supposed to start with a "c"
  8. I LOVE anything even remotely related to Elvis Presley
  9. I would rather cook and/or bake than do just about anything
  10. Josh has always and probably will always hand wash the dishes (I do the dishwasher and everything else though, don't worry)
  11. I had pretty bad post-partum depression after I had Jack and I only recently got through it because I didn't take any meds.
  12. That is actually the first time I ever admitted that.
  13. I say I need a break from the kids every day
  14. But I would never actually be able to leave them and go to an "outside" job.
  15. My favorite season is fall.
  16. But my favorite Holiday is Christmas. It is seriously a sick obsession that starts in July and ends with me sobbing all day on Dec. 26th because, in my own words "it's all over".
  17. I have always secretly wanted to live in Seattle. I really don't know why, though.
  18. I believe that the number 5 is lucky for me.
  19. I am a compulsive list maker...it's a sickness, really
  20. I watch every documentary/show/miniseries/movie that has anything to do with World War II.
  21. I married my high school sweetheart.
  22. I was the only one in high school though ;-)
  23. I hated my first high school...
  24. But I hated my second one even more.
  25. I have had 12 different jobs in my life (not including babysitting)
  26. The only one I want to do for the rest of my life, is the one I'm doing right now.
  27. I get 80% of the gifts I give from QVC.
  28. I get 80% of the clothes I wear from QVC.
  29. I HATE the heat. (mostly it's the sweating=being dirty that I dislike)
  30. One day I hope to finish my list of 1000 places to see before I die (I changed some from the book)
  31. I don't understand people who go on the same vacation every year. I want to travel all over the world, not go on a Caribbean cruise every year or to myrtle beach every summer.
  32. I have always wanted to get jury duty
  33. I have never had jury duty
  34. Josh and I have been talking about going to Alaska since we met, and I can't wait until it actually happens. (even if I have to wait 20 years to be able to pay cash and not charge it on a credit card)
  35. Josh and I have canceled our credit card and vowed to never use one again. We used it a couple years ago for a couple big purchases and we are STILL paying it off.
  36. I only drink pop about once a year (and it's either orange pop or root beer)
  37. I am a very picky eater and it is one thing that I really dislike about myself
  38. I have never had a beer
  39. But I have had many other alcoholic beverages ;-)
  40. When I was a teenager I didn't want to ever be married or have children
  41. That all changed when I started dating Josh
  42. I think I like some of the kids shows more than my kids do (the Backyardigans and the penguins of Madagascar)
  43. I do crosswords puzzles all the time because I once heard it can help prevent Alzheimer's
  44. I have always wanted to go on Jeopardy
  45. I will never actually try out though
  46. I'm a Republican
  47. I used to be a Democrat (before I grew up)
  48. I can't stand it when people have really bad wigs. It takes all my power not to pull it off their heads
  49. No one rides in my car without a seat belt. (Even Travis!)
  50. It would not take much prodding to get me to just pick up and move away
  51. I believe that I actually "saw the light" the night before Maria was born.
  52. It was strangely peaceful and not scary at all.
  53. I have a very good sense of smell
  54. I have always wanted to learn the dance to Thriller. (and I am only reminded of it, now because of all the recent news coverage)
  55. My dad wanted to name me Dawn.
  56. Josh wanted to name Jackson, Mason
  57. If Jack had been a girl, we would have named him Katherine (and called him Kate)
  58. That is in no way related to the show Lost.
  59. I HATE Jackson Pollick
  60. I can only count on one hand the amount of times I've gone out in public with the kids where someone didn't come up and touch them.
  61. I miss Maria's speech, physical and occupational therapists
  62. I don't miss Maria going to therapy at all.
  63. I hate nicknames
  64. But we only call our own kids their real names about half the time
  65. Gum gives me a stomach ache
  66. I love swimming
  67. I can't remember the last time I actually went swimming (I prefer not to make the people around me barf lol)
  68. I couldn't care less about Michael Jackson dying
  69. I can't stand when people say "I could care less" because that infers that you COULD care less....which means that you do care and it makes you sound stupid.
  70. My Grandpa used to always give me werther's original candies
  71. I still think of him every time I eat them
  72. I have always wanted to win the lottery
  73. I have never played the lottery
  74. I am probably too sarcastic for my own good
  75. I love getting blog comments :D

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

This is for you, Andrea

Andrea posted a blog yesterday about how before we have kids we always say "I will never do that" or "my kids will never do that". And this is soooo true. After having 3 babies in less than 4 years, I have learned that NOTHING is off limits. It's easy to look at another mother and think, you could do her job better, but until you've lived it yourself, you really need to keep your mouth shut on the subject of parenting (and while you're on a roll, all other subjects). Here is my list of things that I was absolutely positive would never happen with my family, but most definitely have happened.

  • I will never let my kids throw a fit in public. this is easy to say when you don't have children. "Why can't they control that kid" used to be a phrase, Josh and I said, quite often. But I refuse to give in to my kids just because they whine and cry for something. So I would much rather everyone in the store/restaurant hear them throw a fit than let my kids know I'm a push-over. Now to be honest this has only ever happened once or twice, but the way I look at it, the rules apply wherever we are.

  • My kids will never talk-back or say a "bad" word to me. As much as I wish, I was the only influence on my childrens vocabulary, it isn't true. They hear things on TV, at school, at the park...everywhere and occasionally they do say something you wish they hadn't...and usually you wish they hadn't said it in front of your family/friends/church/playgroup etc.

  • I will never fight with my husband in front of the kids. We are definitely working on this one, but it is harder than you think. If Josh and I didn't fight in front of the kids...well we would never fight, which isn't healthy. Mostly we are working on the way we fight. We do think it is important to show the kids "healthy conflict resolution" so we are trying be positive influences in that way (didn't mean to sound like a shrink there, it just came out). But man, is it hard! No matter how much you try, you are destined to get into a screaming match at one point or another, we all do it.

  • I will never miss a vaccination/Dr. appt. Ok, now this one is not on purpose. I'm not one of those nuts that refuses to vaccinate....I'm just lazy. LOL. I honestly am one of those people that forgets about appointments or doesn't go because it's raining/snowing/cloudy/sunny lol. Taking all three of them out to wait in a waiting room for 2 hours trying to keep them all happy, only to bring home three crying children, is not exactly my idea of a good time. So unless I have someone to watch the others, I generally have to remake a Dr.'s appt at least once before I actually go to it.

  • My kids will be potty trained by age 2. Yeah...NO.

  • I will never bribe my kids. This one goes along with the previous one. If it works for me to tell the kids that if they go in the potty they will get a piece of candy (only while they are potty training). Or to say that if they eat all of their dinner we can go to Grandma's house, I say, what's the harm.

  • I will trust my Dr. implicitly. Until you've had a Dr. tell you to put your baby in her car seat backwards (as in, on her knees and belly), you may not understand this one. I have had so many fights with their doctors over stuff like that, I have learned to take their advice with a grain of salt. Sometimes mothers intuition is the best thing at the moment.

  • I will never prop a bottle. OK this one is Kara's, but I agree. I used to think, "how hard is it to sit there and feed your baby", but by the second or third baby you are far too busy to feed every single feeding. Life happens and sometimes I have 500 things to do at one time, instead of the usual 50, so I don't feel too bad about it.

But the basic gist of it all is that, no matter how many "mistakes" I have made, I've ended up with 3 of the greatest kids on the planet. They listen when I tell them to do something (even if i need to say it a few times or raise my voice). They are polite and respectful and so kind it brings tears to my eyes sometimes. They play very well with others. They are so well-behaved, people actually can't believe it. I love taking them out and hearing everyone say "oh my gosh they were sooo good!". And to hear my parents (who have the highest standards) tell me that they are the most well-behaved kids, is the best compliment I can get. It's funny to see the girls when they are around bad kids, they just sit there and stare in amazement that their parents allow them to act like that. It makes me feel so good to know that THESE are my kids. These wonderful little people, are a product of my parenting "skills" (whether they be accidental or purposeful). I must be doing a decent job or they wouldn't be so amazing...right?

Monday, June 22, 2009

shave and a haircut...two bits

IDK why, but that little diddy has been stuck in my head since yesterday....OH WAIT! I DO know why. It's probably because Maria decided it would be a good idea to chop off all of sophia's bangs sometime and somewhere this weekend. We don't have the details, but to be honest, it isn't exactly a mystery and it definitely doesn't matter. Either way, my beautiful baby, now has 1/2 inch long bangs. I'm dreading the next 6 months of them trying to grow back to a normal length. I guess family pictures are out of the question...

But, other than that, we had a nice fathers day. Todd came over and appologized for his behaviour, which was nice of him. IDK how things are going to be from now on, but at least the "fight" is over.

So after that, we went to my moms for dinner and we stopped and got her a birthday cake on the way there. It's funny how we are, as mothers. We don't expect the same things that we give others. I would never think of not getting the kids or Josh a birthday cake. But I can't remember ever having one, since I moved in with him (except for this year...but I didn't get a card or gift, so I consider it a wash). And my mom is the same way. She NEVER gets a birthday cake. I hate that for her. So I specifically stopped to get her a DQ oreo blizzard cake (DELISH BTW).

We had a good day though. Basically, we just sat around talking about people...it's what we do best lol. My Grandpa always says that "if everyone were as perfect as us, we wouldn't have to talk about them" lol. It's all in good fun though. :D

Friday, June 19, 2009


I was tagged by Danifred to do lists of "8's", so I'm happy to do it today as a little something different. Basically you just make lists of 8 random things. you can use mine or do your own. I think I did about half and half.

The rules:

1. Mention the person who tagged me.

2. Complete the lists of 8's

3. Tag 8 people (which is going to be hard, since there are only 7 people who subscribe to my measly little blog. lol. But I'll do the best I can.)

8 Things I did yesterday

1. freeze the other half of my (er...jack's) baby food

2. Unloaded the dishwasher

3. Loaded the dishwasher

4. Went to walmart

5. Went to Giant Eagle

6. Checked my facebook page about 10 gazillion times

7. Made BBQ pulled pork sandwiches for dinner

8. Watched 3 episodes of NCIS while folding laundry

8 Things I wish I could do

1. Grow a third arm so I could safely go out in public with all of my children

2. Afford a month-long Caribbean vacation for the whole family

3. Sing

4. Draw

5. Swim under water (when I was a kid, I told Jeffy I wished I could breathe under water...yeah)

6. Lose weight and eat whatever I wanted

7. Have a healthy baby

8. MOVE!!!

8 Things I am looking forward to

1. Taking the girls to see "Up" (it will be their first movie in the theater)

2. Jackson sitting up on his own (and crawling and cruising and walking...)

3. Whatever we end up doing with the kids during Josh's vacation in August (most likely camping but that isn't set in stone)

4. The surprise I have planned for Josh's birthday!

5. Last Comic Standing season starting

6. Losing my baby (x3) weight

7. Our Hawaiian Luau party

8. Maria going to preschool

8 Shows I can't stop watching


2. The Mentalist

3. The Closer

4. Life

5. The Real Housewives of NY (and the NJ one too)

6. The Office

7. Castle

8. Desperate Housewives

8 Shows/Movies the girls can't stop watching

1. Dora

2. Hippo (The Backyardigans)

3. Pooh-Tigger (My friends Tigger and Pooh)

4. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

5. Deggo (Go Diego, Go)

6. Pen-guns (The Penguins of Madagascar)

7. Race Cars (Cars)

8. Beach Animals (Madagascar)

8 Favorite foods (you will now know why I have so much trouble losing weight)

1. Fresh baked bread

2. Chicken Alfredo

3. My moms apple pie

4. Mashed potatoes mixed with corn

5. Hulless popcorn (puff'n corn is my favorite!)

6. Whole roasted chicken (mine only)

7. Chocolate cake with chocolate icing and vanilla ice cream

8. Andes Mint pie (from Akron Childrens Hospital...idk where they get it, but it's amazing and the sole reason I never lost the baby weight after having maria lol)

8 Things I say at least once a day


2. Give me a hug

3. I love you

4. You don't have to whine about it

5. Do you even know why you're crying?

6. Why don't you want to spend time with me?

7. You already had a snack. Wait for lunch (or dinner).

8. Nighty-Night sleep tight

8 Things I hear at least once a day

1. Why? (actually, it's more like whhhhyyyy?)

2. I yuv you

3. Body-slam me mommy

4. I want a 'nack! or Dinner cook (idk why she says it backwards)

5. Daddy home! Daddy home! (they do it all day long every time a loud truck goes by)

6. She hit me!


8. I don't know

8 (or 5) People who I am tagging

1. Andrea

2. Diana

3. Tricia

4. Kara

5. Candy

6. anyone reading this that wants to do it :D



BTW anyone want to tell me how to link to people (like their names and stuff)? I'm totally dense on that subject.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

how to make baby food

So, today I made Jackson some baby food. I thought it was actually really quick and easy, so I will definitely be doing it again. A big part of it was the fact that for a little itty bitty jar of baby food it's 47 cents. As if it isn't bad enough we pay $25 a week for formula, not to mention diapers. A friend of mine (Kelly) made some for her son and it gave me the push I needed to make some of my own. Today I just made carrots and butternut squash. But I plan on doing peas, green beans and a few others, soon. So here's what I did.

I cooked the squash, cut in three sections, (but that was mostly on accident because it was so hard to get my knife through, so it slipped lol) on a sheet pan in about an inch of water at 350 for 45 minutes.

Then I cut off the skins and cubed it.

Pureed it and added some water (I will say that the carrots needed more water and more pureeing than the squash).

He's obviously excited about this whole process...

This is the carrots pureed. I just peeled and chopped them then cooked them on the stove. I didn't add enough water when I pureed them so I will probably end up adding more when I heat them up.

I used my pampered chef scoop. It is the perfect size if you over-fill it. Then I covered them with saran wrap and they are freezing right now.

A 2 lb bag of carrots made two ice cube trays full. I read on a website that each spot is about 1 ounce. So that makes sense because I got 2 trays of each 16 cubes/ounces.

He definitely enjoyed the eating part more than the cooking process. :D

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

what fathers day really means

Well, I'm back. I haven't blogged in about a week. I've been slacking, and I'm ok with that. I had fun at my moms house, as usual. we sat around the table talking and laughing and telling stories, like we always do. It was a good week with the family and I was very sad to see my cousins go. But, because I'm trying to stay positive, I'm going to get back to my tributes.

I've been thinking about fathers day today, so I am reminded of the one REAL father that I have. From day one, Jeffy was my dad. He was everything my real dad wasn't. He was definitely tough on me, and at the time I hated that. I always thought he was just being a hard-ass. I thought that my "dad" was great because the once a year he came to see me, he was nice to me. But the more I grew up, the more I realized, my "dad" was that way, because he had the easy job. All he had to do was show up. He didn't actually have to parent me. He didn't have to ground me or help me with my homework. Jeffy was tough on me, because he wanted me to be a good person and he wanted me to succeed in life. He was exactly what a step-dad should be. In fact he is exactly what a FATHER should be.

I love to see him with the kids. He is the definition of a wonderful Grandfather. We have had an inside joke ever since Maria was born. Whenever I would see my mom through the week he would get upset that he couldn't see her. Then whenever she would hold him while we were all together, he would call her a "ball hog". Still, if I am with her during the day and he calls, I'll hear him call her a "ball hog" through the phone as we laugh about it. He tells me every time they watch the kids, how great they are and how much he loves them and what a joy it is to have them spend the night. It makes me so happy to know that my kids will grow up close to their Grandparents.

My mom always says that she knew she could marry Jeffy, because the minute he met me, he was in love with me. What mother could marry a man that doesn't love her children, like his own? She never had that problem. He was "Jeffy" to me, from the first time I met him and I have always been his daughter. I was so proud to have him give me away on my wedding day and I wouldn't have had it any other way. During the "father-daughter dance" I couldn't stop crying because it just meant so much to me that he had raised me my whole life. As we started to dance (and I sobbed), I said "thank you" and he said "it was no problem" and I said "No, not just for the wedding, I mean for everything. For my whole life" he said "Oh, Nae, it was my pleasure".

I think, I respect him more than I would if he had been my "real" dad, because he didn't have to do any of it. He didn't have to be a father to me. He didn't have to love me, even when I was being difficult. He didn't have to teach me how to be a good, honest, hard-working person. He didn't have to help me build my science projects. He didn't have to be there for every concert, play, recital, Christmas program and every single day of my life. He did all of that, because he wanted to. And that is why he has my respect for the rest of my life. And that is why he is the only father (other than Josh) that will get a card from me on Sunday.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

today is...my momma

Today I'm going to be talking about my Momma. She and I haven't always agreed on things, and at times we've had some full-blown fights. But in the end, she is still my Mom and we always work it out.

Most of you know she is going through a really rough time right now. In fact today they are going to do some tests on her lungs because they think it is pulmonary. But you'd never know that she is going through so much. She isn't one of those people who talks about themselves and all the pain they are in to get sympathy. She doesn't want people to feel sorry for her or to worry about her. She is one of the strongest women I know. When I look back on my childhood and remember some of the things she did and gave up, for us, I can't believe it. But she would NEVER say anything about it because she was just "doing what I had to do". She doesn't want praise for what she did every day. I think she just wants us all to know that she did it because she loves us.

She is the ONLY person who has ever watched all of the kids over night. I trust her with the most precious things in my life and I think that says something about the respect I have for her. She is kind and gentle with them, but if they are acting up, she respects that I don't spank them so she puts them in the corner like I would. They have fun with her and BEG to go to "Gam's house". When we are 5 minutes away they know it and start screaming "Gam's house, Gam's house!" And it's not just them that begs to see her. If it has been a couple weeks since she's seen the kids, she calls me begging me to bring them over. During my pregnancy when we had to go down to Columbus all the time, she was the only one who ever watched them. But when I would try to thank her for watching them she always said "I wasn't babysitting, I was grandparenting them. They are such angels." She was the one to come over during my treatments to help occupy the kids and get them lunch and naps. She was the one going to the grocery store with me every week to push the kids around so I could get my shopping done. And when she saw the cart was too heavy for me to push, she would trade me, without a word. She didn't want me to feel worse than I already did about not being able to do normal things. And that is what I hope I can do for her right now.

No matter how many fights we have, she will always be my Mommy that I love and respect, and I hope she knows that.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

a new direction

This is going to be my attempt at ignoring everything that is going on right now. I'm going to try to blog every day this week about a positive person in my life. Todays edition is SOPHIA. (I'm doing Sophia today because I just got done saying half of this stuff last night, so I don't have to think as much today).
If I had to guess, I would say that Sophia is going to be one of the most popular kids in school. She just has that personality. She isn't phased by falling down (which is good because she does it 100 times a day) or people laughing at her (generally after she falls on her face). She's friendly with everyone. She's that kid in the grocery store telling EVERYONE about her blankie and her Gam (my mom) and how she went in the swimmy poooo yesterday. She's extremely funny and likes to be the center of attention. (as I'm reading this, I am realizing that my mom said ALL of these things about me when I was a child...).
She is pretty advanced with a lot of what she does (potty training being the exception). She speaks like a 3 yr old. She is telling stories and asking questions about everything. Some days she says things I can't believe. And sometimes she does things I didn't even know she could do. She has this hilarious voice where she says "yummy in my tummy" in an almost growl. it's so funny you'd pee your pants (if I can get her to do it today I may have an addendum tomorrow). She loves to "help" me in the kitchen and with all my chores. she will attach herself to my shirt and not let go. When she takes care of her baby doll she is so sweet and sensitive it brings tears to my eyes. I can't help it as she "supports the head" when she lays her down for a nap, then proceeds to tell everyone to be quiet "shhh my baby seeeping".
Every night I try to give her a kiss and she covers her face and wont let me. But as I'm closing the door she says "kiss me mommy! kiss me!". She would eat every single minute of the day if I let her. She's stubborn and she knows how to push everyones buttons and she loves doing it. She gets a rise out of seeing ANYONE yelling at her to "stop that!" She runs away laughing screaming "don't get me, don't get me".
She loves everyone but her clear favorites are me, my step-dad and "aunt kai" (my sisters bff). She was a screamer as a baby and she's a squealer as a toddler. I love em both. She's adventurous and curious. She's independent and strong. She loves her sister more than anything in the world and cries at the mention of her going off to school without her. I barely see the baby that was "talking" the day she came home from the NICU. Now she is a person with a personality all her own, who won't let anyone bring her down. It doesn't matter how she was feeling at the beginning of the day, if there's a party, pia is there. She will be the girl at the party trying to get everyone to dance and she will be the last to leave.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Why must I justify?

This has been one of the worst weeks of my life. Surpassed only by the week of Maria's birth. I am feeling like I have to justify every choice I make and every thing I say/do. And to be honest, I'm sick of it. I AM AN ADULT! The greatest part about being an adult is getting to make my own life choices without being yelled at, judged or called names for those choices. I am done trying to get people to like me and accept me, when they obviously don't want to. I am who I am and I shouldn't have to explain my parenting methods and my choices in my own marraige to anyone.

Not to mention, I am so worried about my mom, I don't even know where to begin.

One good thing that has happened is that my family is here this whole next week. It is such a relief to be surrounded by family and friends who accept you and love you no matter how many mistakes you make and how much money you have. Their love for us is not defined by how perfect we are or what we are willing to do or put our family through, FOR THEM. They love us and want to help us unconditionally. They are genuinely concerned for us and would rather help us get out of this difficult time, than make this worse to serve their own agendas.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Do I at least get a parade?

Is this hate Renee week and I didn't get the memo? Seriously, anyone else have a problem they want to scream at me for a little while? I'm all ears...er...eyes.

After finally seeing an end in sight for one disagreement with one side of Josh's family, another one arose this evening. I know we all have issues with the in-laws, but seriously, what the hell?!

Todd (father in-law who lives next door) was over here with Josh out at the garden. The kids were in and out a million times and I was trying to feed Jack. So I put him down and went out there. I said to Josh "are you even watching them? can you keep them out here b/c they are running around the house with dirty hands (they had been up to the farm and they were LITERALLY COVERED IN DIRT).

Todd decides to chime in before Josh can even answer and starts yelling and swearing at me "what the f*** is your f***ing problem....(you get the gist)...." Meanwhile, he sees that the girls are right at my feet hearing every word.

I told them to go inside then I said "well for one, your language. I have heard my 2 yr old say more cuss words than I say and she didn't learn them in this house. secondly, you don't seem to know that this isn't your house. We can't walk out the door without you running over with your dogs and you let them shit in our yard so my kids can't even walk to the car without stepping in it and they tear up my flower beds. there is a reason we don't have dogs Todd!".

To which he says "you know what, you are an ungrateful f***ing bitch and I don't even know why josh married you". Needless to say Josh didn't like that one. So he gets in his dads face and they go at it.
Todd leaves.
Josh throws things.
Todd and his girlfriend fight.
I go out to smooth things over with Josh.
Josh yells at me for "not getting along with any of his family".
I ask if he regrets marrying me.
No answer.
I come in the house and cry...and blog.

I'm about to be done. Seriously. I'm reaching the end of my patience.

*****To the 5 people that read this, I'm sorry to vent, but I don't really have anyone else to talk to about it.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

just had to share these

These people are the reason I do what I do. This is LOVE.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

denial. it's not just a river in egypt.

OK, I'm looking for some advice on this one.

Maria started potty training about a year ago (yes she was old, don't hate). I wouldn't say she was particularly difficult to train. Maybe slightly harder than most. But like everything, once she got it....she had it and it was done. So for a while she was only wearing a diaper to bed (not naps....unless she was at my moms house....). Josh did it. I have to give him all the credit on that one because I wasn't even going to try. She would wake up soaked. So to me, it seemed ridiculous to expect her to all of a sudden not go at all for 12 hrs or get out of bed and go during the night. We had a few discussions on it and never really came to a conclusion. So one morning I went to change her diaper and....no diaper. I called. He laughed. We were proud. All good. Right? No.

That was MONTHS ago and she has never had an accident. Until 3 nights ago....and 2 nights ago...and last night. I really don't know what is going on with her. Is three nights long enough to call it a problem? The main reason I don't think this is a fluke is because last night she did it twice. At 11:00 we were going to bed (yes, I know, late for us old geezers). And heard her whimpering. Josh goes in and of course, Mr. Temper-Tantrum himself, starts yelling at her (yah, that'll do it) After dealing with it, we proceed to fight because I said she had an accident and Josh apparently feels that it's some sort of vindictive, manipulative master plan by our 4 yr old to rid herself of bedsheets and pajama pants every night. He literally scoffed at the word "accident". So then I went in at about 4:00 to find her wet again. So this morning I read her the riot act and she came back with this little nugget "mommy, I just pee in my bed because I want to". But the way I look at it is, at least she's recognizing that it happened. Two nights ago she swore up and down to me that I came into her room took off her pants and sheets for no reason at all. She had no recollection of it happening at all. It was actually kind of funny to see her so heated over my "lies and betrayal".

So the question is, what do I do with this? Today my attempt at punishment is that she can't go outside tonight. To which she responded "I didn't pee in my bed, mommy". I said "oh, so were back to denial are we"........blank stare. tough crowd.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

it's tears of joy, really!

For the last few days Maria has been telling us that she wants to "touch the moon". Of course she means this literally and not figuratively which makes it slightly less touching, but not by much. My eyes welled up with tears the first time she said it. It's just that childhood innocence and all the dreams they have that make it so sweet. I swear the girl knows how to push my buttons....(the tear buttons, of course, not the anger ones. those are still reserved for Sophia.)

I still can't read them the Dr. Suess book "Oh the places you'll go". It seriously kills me. After maria was born I must have tried to read her that book a hundred times and just couldn't get through it. At least not in public. Not that the NICU nurses would have thought it odd that I was balling my freaking eyes out, because that was pretty much a daily occurrence. But never the less, certain things just make me so happy and so sad all rolled into one that I can't hold back the waterworks no matter how hard I try.

OH! Like weddings. It doesn't matter if it's a fake wedding on TV or a cousin who's marrying someone she shouldn't. I sit there and just ball like a baby. I literally take an entire BOX of tissues (not one of those measly little purse packages. those things are barely enough for the intro music). And then God help us all if I watch the video or see the pictures. And don't even get me started on the list of songs that I can't listen to in public. It's shameful.

Josh always says "oh, here she goes" at the first mention of a wedding, birth, graduation, death...any of your major life events really. I've always been this way though. I remember being 12 yrs old at my cousins wedding and using all of the Kleenex my mom had bought and being upset she hadn't brought more. I WAS 12!

The other day Sophia counted to 10 (totally on her own I was on the computer and she was reading a book). So of course, I ended up drying off my keyboard with my t-shirt. lol. And I guarantee the day Jackson says his first word, it'll be like Niagara falls.

So now Josh's brother got engaged over the weekend. If we get to go to the wedding it'll be yet another opportunity for me to showcase my incredible super-power that is "unstopable tears of joy".