Monday, May 31, 2010

a couple things...

So, Daddy built them a swing set last weekend and it's been the cause for lots and lots of giggles all week...from everyone in the house. It's 10ft tall. No joke. Because Josh thought 8ft wouldn't be quite tall enough for our 3ft tall children lol. We've both been making jokes about it ever since it went up. He came in the house and goes "uhhh hey, could you call Labron James to come hang up these swings for me". I go out there and see it with my own eyes. I say "hunny, you know the kids are ours right?" (he's 5'5" and I'm 5'2"...and Maria has a medical condition literally called "short stature"). He hung up the swings with the original chain that they came with and they came up to the girls heads...cue jokes, and jokes, and jokes... Anyway, after 8ft of extra chain, it's great and I can't wait until next year when we build the tower and slide part.

Me and Pia pants hanging out outside. (no, I wont cut her bangs, I'm trying to grow them out, they're just in an awkward phase right now)

This picture cracks me up. I love the teeth and the squinty eyes. Precious.

Maria had her last day of school on Wed. Yes, I cried...I sobbed in fact. Hey, they played the song "let them be little" and read a poem entitled "we give them back to you". Trust me, they wanted some tears...and they got them. She has grown sooooo much since the first day of school. She has really come a long way in the last 9 months.
Maria on the first day...
and on the last.
The girls on the first day...

and on the last day.
big tear...

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Things I'm interested in

"We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, and the winding streams with tangled growth as wild. Only to the white man was nature a wilderness and only to him was the land infested with wild animals and savage people. To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery. Not until the hairy man from the east came and with brutal frenzy heaped injustices upon us and the families we loved was it wild for us. When the very animals of the forest began fleeing from his approach, then it was for us that the Wild West began."
-Luther Standing Bear, Sioux Chief

This picture of him, breaks my heart a little bit. He was one of the children taken from his home and put in the Carlisle Indian School. They were punished for speaking their own language and wearing their own clothes. Their hair was cut (which was a HUGE deal for them because they would only do that in times of great mourning). Their parents were told that they were going there to learn how to speak and write English. They had no idea what they really wanted was for them to "forsake the ways of their fathers".

Luther, Standing Bear ended up using the English he learned to write books, sharing with the world the truth of the injustice that was done to his people. He also eventually started acting in some of the original "wild west" movies. His hope was that the "white man" would see how wrong they were. Unfortunately that didn't start to happen until decades after his death.

Monday, May 24, 2010

My favorites

I got this idea from Danifred (though, if I remember correctly she got it from someone else).

In honor of my birthday, I'm going to do a list of my favorite things.

Hearing "you're the best Mommy in the whooooole world" every day This one's self explanatory. Who wouldn't love that?! However a close second is when they tell me "I will miss yoooou" 15 times in a row, every time I walk out the door. It's precious.
Moose Tracks Ice cream I used to eat it all the time in high school, with my friends at lunch time, and it still brings back memories when I eat it now.
Pawn Stars This show is awesome. It's all my favorite things rolled into one. I'm always drooling over all of the historical stuff people bring in there and I'm always yelling at the TV when they sell it too cheap...or at all (I'm talking about YOU, guy who sold his revolutionary war bond made by Paul Revere for a couple grand and a guitar!!).
Falling in Love by Philosophy. It's my signature scent. Honestly, It's the only perfume I've worn in years...I'm actually running low in case anyone's looking to get me a belated B-Day gift ;-)
History ANY kind of history. I'm always reading, researching, googling, watching documentaries, any way I can get my brain around some good history is good with me. It just really fascinates me how different and yet how similar we are to the people that lived hundreds or even thousands of years ago. I always tell Josh that if we win the lottery, our new house will be like a little mini-museum with all kinds of cool artifacts and antiques.
Jeopardy I know it's corny, but I love watching to see how many answers I know in a show. Everyone's always telling me to try out, which IS on my bucket list, but I've got at least another decade of learning to do before I'd feel really comfortable going for it.
Edward S. Curtis. He's my all-time favorite photographer. Even though he really only photographed one particular genre (Native Americans) he did it so incredibly well, that I can't help but cry when I look at some of his photographs.
***side note*** my birthday gift this year was 2 of his books, a book about our founding fathers and a travel book about Europe...and I couldn't be happier :D

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Not sure...

Right now, I'm not really sure about much. I'm definitely in a funk. I would say that I am only my normal happy, bubbly self half of the time. I'm still mentally trying to process what is going on between my mom and I. It's such and an unusual relationship that really doesn't have a beginning to the crazy. At this point, I'm just hoping it has an end. I'm hoping that she gets some serious help for her anger and learns to control it ASAP. Because as of right now, and the last 26 years, IT'S been controlling HER. It's not healthy (physically) and it certainly hasn't done me any favors.
I feel bad for my sisters, and honestly, I feel kind of bad for myself, which is a bit of an unusual feeling for me. Growing up, I was always the girl that smiled when I wanted to cry and made a joke when I was feeling like giving up. I had a bit of a sappy conversation with Josh about love...REAL love. And how when I met him I had been so brainwashed by my mom that I honestly believed that love meant always agreeing and always giving in and never having your own opinions about anything. My relationship with Josh was the most unusual and eye-opening of my life. HE showed me that two people could disagree and still love each other. We could be our own people and still be in love. We could fight and not have it be the end of our love. With my mom, none of those things are true. They never have been and they never will be.
I feel so incredibly sorry for my sisters right now, because I have been where they are. They say things to me like "you obviously don't love mom or you'd do what she wants" and if Josh and I disagree with something they say, it's "oh, wow, I'm sorry, I thought you guys loved us". It breaks my heart that they think that is what love is. I wish I could shake them and tell them there is love out there that doesn't come with strings and ultimatums. Unfortunately, they wouldn't get it anyway. They live in their own little bubbles where nothing bad has ever happened to them. The most stress they've ever experienced is a lot of homework or a shitty boyfriend. I'm glad that they haven't experience real pain, but it hurts me that they wont know real love when they see it. I know I didn't. I tested the waters with Josh more than a time or two. I probably still do. I think I still expect him to give up on me and leave, even though I KNOW that he wont. There is this little voice in my head that will always be saying "you're not good enough" and for some reason I can't shut it up completely no matter how hard I try.
Today's my Birthday. I've been alive for 26 years. I don't know what else to say about that. I think I'll do a "my favorites" post tomorrow. I'm just not in the mood today. I got 50 facebook happy birthdays from people I haven't seen since high school, my husbands family and some women I "know" only because we share the same rare disorder. But I didn't get one from my mom, my dad, my step-dad, two of my sisters and 2 of 3 of my grandparents. I don't really know how I feel about that either. I keep trying to talk Josh into moving, but unless we win the lottery, it's probably not going to happen. Until then I dream of somewhere far away...Montana or Wyoming maybe. Somewhere that I can sit in my pool on a hot day and look up at snow-capped mountains. Somewhere I can be myself and not feel bad about it.
The only thing I'm really sure of right now is THANK GOD FOR JOSH. He is the definition of "my rock".

Monday, May 10, 2010

my mothers day promises to my children

I love my life as a mother. I love my children and I love my husband. Honestly, life is really good for all of us right now. But I fucking HATE mothers day. I love the kids getting me "gifts" and getting all excited to give me flowers and handmade cards. It's the other people that get in the way...sort of like Christmas. If it weren't for certain family members, Christmas would be pure perfection. These people are the reason we thought about to another state. It is physically exhausting having to deal with their moods and not knowing why I'm being yelled at like a 10 yr old. I can't keep up with the drama anymore. I'm just ill-equipped. In our house, if you are upset with someone, you tell them. You say "hey, I don't like that, could ya not?" and that's it. It's been 8 BLISSFUL years since I've lived in a house where I was afraid to make a noise for fear of the beatings and the screaming and the name calling and the "if you weren't my daughter I would never want to see you again" and the "i can't even stand to look at you" etc... But it all came flooding back to me yesterday. And honestly, maybe I'm grateful for it. It has definitely shown me what I will never let myself become as a mother.

Here are the promises I make to my children...
  • I will never have favorites amongst my children. My sisters have this lovely little naive way of blaming me for the way my mom has treated me my whole life. But that's not their fault, they were all treated like princesses. The worst they ever got was a spanking and "don't do that again". They have no idea what fear really is. They don't know what it's like to have your head slammed into the corner of your headboard and have no idea why. They don't know what it was like to be beaten with my math book for getting a D on a test. They don't know what it was like last year to hear my Dr. tell me that my MRI showed multiple unexplained concussions. All I could say was "I had a lot of accidents as a child". There I was lying for her/them at 25 yrs old, like a brainwashed idiot. I am thankful that my sisters never knew that pain and fear, but I really wish they would stop judging me for it, because they've never lived my life or even TRIED to walk in my shoes for a minute.
  • I will be a milk and cookies mom. My whole life, I yearned for my own mother to hug me or let me talk about my bad day and say "come on honey sit down and we can talk about it". I want to be the soft place for my kids to land, most especially after a hard day. When something bad happens, I want them to be thinking "I can't wait until I can go home and talk to my mom about this and get one of her hugs".
  • I will be their strongest advocates. My mom ALWAYS no matter who or what it was, she always took the other persons side. It didn't matter if it was a fight with a friend, a bully at school, or whatever. It was always my fault and the other person was always right. always.
  • I will help them with their homework. I often wonder if my 3.8 GPA would have been a 4.0 if I had had at least one parent who had a few minutes to help me with my homework. (which is ironic because I was mostly beaten for getting "bad" grades.
  • I will be patient and kind, especially when it's hard.
  • I will be respected, not because I simply gave birth to them and changed their dirty diapers, but because I actually EARNED it.
  • I will never lie about them to anyone...and I will TRY never to lie to them (that one gets dicey around Christmas and birthdays lol)
  • I will CONTROL MY TEMPER AND MY ANGER. This one has been an issue for my mom her whole life, but in the last 6 months I have seen it get to a point that is unhealthy. She NEEDS anger management classes or a counselor or something or she'll have a heart attack the next time the grocery store is out of corn on the cob. The only time I have ever had anger like that, was during my PPD and that kind of anger is not good. not good at all.
  • I will NEVER put a guilt trip on them the size of Texas.
  • I will tell them I love them every single day, no matter what.
  • My love will always be unconditional. I can't even tell you how many times I've heard the phrase "if you loved me you would...". During my childhood it was things like ..."get better grades", ..."do what I say", etc. at christmas, it was ..."come over here on christmas day" (and what I say). Before I met Josh, I thought that love meant always agreeing on everything and always doing what the other person told you to. I had no idea that there was something out there called unconditional love where you are allowed to disagree and still love each other. Unfortunately, my mom still has no idea what unconditional love is and she has brainwashed my sisters the same as she did me. They are always telling me "if you loved mom, you would do what she wants". THAT'S NOT LOVE PEOPLE!!
  • I will NEVER, EVER say the words "I don't hate you, I just hate everything about you" to my children. This was something I heard probably weekly. And as usual, it was for NOTHING. But it's something NO child should ever have to hear.
  • I will praise them more than I discipline them. I have already made this a priority and I think it works. It lets them know that just because they have to stand in the corner for doing something bad, doesn't mean I don't love them or think they are amazing kids.
  • I will never tell them they are "too fat to wear that".
  • I will NEVER bad-mouth one of my children to another (or to any family/friend)
  • I will be a better mom than those before me. I will learn from their mistakes and I will not repeat the cycle as it has been repeated for generations in this family.

I love my children enough to fight this gene pool. When I was a teenager I always told people "I don't EVER want to have children". It wasn't because I didn't like kids, it was because I was afraid that I had no control over whether or not I end up like my mother and my grandmother. I'm an adult now, and I KNOW that the way we act, ESPECIALLY with our children is CHOICE. Since becoming a parent I have lost what little respect I had for my mom and my biological dad. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to go the other way, but it just doesn't. I look at my kids and can't even imagine saying and doing the things that she did. And I definitely can't imagine seeing them once a year like my dad did my whole life. Josh told me last night that it was a miracle I ended up as normal as I am with all that crap I've dealt with my whole life. I don't know if it was a miracle or if it was just determination, but I am so glad that my life ended up this way. I'm so glad that I didn't let fear stop me from having these 3 amazing kids. The are the only thing that made my mothers day bearable yesterday (well that, and josh yelling at my mom that she "makes a big fucking deal about nothing and it's retarded". that was sooooooo awesome. I have never loved him more ;-)

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mothers day gifts, big and small

When Maria came home from school on Wednesday, she was sooo excited to give me her gifts. I told her that she could wait until Sunday, but she insisted. What I got was BEAUTIFUL and perfect.

This is my mother (and there is a picture she drew of me). Her name is Mom. She is about old, old, old years old (gee thanks). She has green eyes and black hair. She weighs 2 pounds (ok seriously thank you for that one). Her favorite food is mac & cheese (no, that's YOUR favorite food lol). She's smart and she knows all about saving me from Pia because she hits me. (I LOL'ed so hard at that). When she's not with me, she spends her time cleaning up. Best of all, mother likes to turn off the TV. Mother takes care of me by giving me good food and hugs. I think my mother is best in the world because I love her. If I could wish for anything in the world for my mother, it would be flowers. Love Maria

And this one made me bawl my eyes out...which then upset Maria because she thought I didn't like it...epic "mommy" fail. I then spent the day explaining to her that sometimes we cry because we are soooo happy and love someone soooo much.

Sometimes you get discouraged because I am so small
And always leave my fingerprints on furniture and walls

But everyday I am growing up and soon I'll be so tall
That all those little hand prints will be hard to recall.

So here's a final hand print just so you can say
This is how my fingers looked on this Mother's Day!

I'll have pics of Mother's Day and a recap of the day, tomorrow.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

leftovers and wordless wednesday...all on the wrong days

This is really just a hodge podge because I haven't really had anything interesting to say in the last week that would constitute an entire blog.

  • How cute is this picture of Jack? Seriously, I love it. It's definitely worthy of WW status.

  • Speaking of pictures, yes, this is in fact a strawberry shaped like...uhh...well, a rack...I'm sorry, I know it's juvenile, but it has been cracking Josh and I up for two days. that's just the immature sense of humor we have, and I LOVE it.

  • We had to reschedule our family pictures because they were supposed to be Sunday, but because of the storms, obviously that didn't happen. We are actually doing them at my moms house with all 10 of us for her 50th birthday gift. She's been talking about having family pics taken for years and just hasn't done it, so we thought we'd do it for her. lol. Of course I have no room to talk since I wanted to get them since last year for my birthday, but Josh didn't want to spend $700 on pics. (tangent: this I THINK, is what my EPSIL (evil psychotic sister in law) was referring to one time when she said that I "forced Josh to buy $700 patio furniture"????, when in actuality that furniture was cheapo stuff that Josh wanted and got from big lots. I guess since she wins every argument in her house, she thinks I do too. It must be unusual for someone like her to understand a couple making decisions TOGETHER. lol. ok tangent over.)

  • Sophia has been calling Maria "Somia". I think this is what's going on in her head...if Pia=Sophia then Mia should=Somia. Pretty good logic if you think about it.
  • It's officially 100 days until our vacation!! And if ANYONE deserves a vacation, it's us! We've spent the last 5 1/2 years having babies, taking care of them, paying our bills, working hard & doing the right thing. So now that we are practically debt free (obviously we still owe on our mortgage and car) we can finally go on a vacation the RIGHT way. Without having other bills we can't pay or paying for it with a credit card. We are so excited and now our kids will appreciate it so much more. Hopefully they will grow up to be responsible like us and not grow up feeling entitled to things like that.
  • Josh got all of our plants for our garden yesterday. Last year was just a trial run to see what we liked/used so this year will HOPEFULLY be totally used. We got 24 tomato plants, 2 peppers, 1 cucumber & 2 strawberry. Also, I got the seeds the other day for corn, pickling cucumbers, pie pumpkins & carrots. I'm hoping to get a little more spaghetti sauce out of this years. We just ran out a couple weeks ago and I had to get store-bought. Once you've had homemade, the store stuff is like eating plain tomato sauce out of a can. LOL. For some reason, my green beans from last year all have a pasty? kind of taste, so I don't think we'll do them this year, however I did get some seeds. It'll really depend on if we have the space.
  • When we went to pick up the plants last night, we stopped at the place where we used to go get ice cream after Maria was born. We'd walk up there every night, and it was just really nice. However, they closed it down a while back, so Josh was all excited when he came home from work last night and said "they opened it up again, we have to go tonight!". It was so cute. The problem now becomes that we sold the double stroller and IDK about having the kids walk the mile on a rural road with no sidewalks. But it would be stupid to drive a mile, ya know?