Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Yes, I know it's Wednesday

I know it's not Friday, but I feel like I need to post since I've slacked for the last couple weeks and I don't have enough for a full post. So here are my leftovers.

  • Jackson has started getting a little...ok, a LOT possessive of me. I'm obviously happy that all my kids love me so much, but the boy is starting some UFC-type battles over who gets to sit on my lap/hold my hand/lay their head on my leg. It's cute and scary all at the same time. The girls are used to getting my full affection, and they aren't too keen on the competition. LOL
  • Ummm what the hell is up with this gulf coast oil spill crap? I mean, come on people! They should have had this stuff cleaned up right after it happened. There were about 50 different GREAT ideas, but they were "too expensive". Well, I bet those options are looking pretty good right about now, aren't they. And where the heck is Obama during this. He wants to stick his nose in every business in the country, but the ONE time it's needed, he wimps out.
  • The girls were cracking us up tonight digging for and playing with worms in their dresses. They just HAD to wear these dresses (and of course bows). But they're out there for 2 minutes and they're covered in dirt and playing with the worms like a couple of boys. It was great. It's just so...them. They can be very girly girls and they can be the biggest tom-boys at the same time. We heart them.
  • I watched a couple episodes of Bridezillas the other day, and the same thought kept going through my head...what kind of man would marry these women!? Planning my wedding was the easiest thing I've ever done. Josh and I never had a single fight over anything. And if I had treated him or my family or friends the way these women, do I would EXPECT for the guy to leave me. I always wonder how many of these marriages make it through the first two years.
  • I received the official e-mail from my step-dad today. They don't want anything to do with us anymore. I told him that all I need is an apology from my mom about the way she treated me my whole life (and on Mothers Day) and he said "you had a great childhood, I don't know what you're talking about". Ooooookay then. There's nothing I can say back to that steaming pile of crap, so I said "I'm done" and he said "well have a nice life then". Of course that was after he threatened to beat the shit out of Josh. ya. really nice. IDK. I'm emotionally drained from the situation and I don't know what to say anymore. I know the truth and they can continue to believe what they want to believe. I can't change them. I'm "giving it to God" as my friend would say.
  • Josh is contemplating selling his truck and his car (hot rods, not everyday vehicles) and putting all the money towards something more "practical" (something with a back seat for the kids so we don't have to drive seperately to car shows and stuff). He had some issues with his truck on Sunday on the way out the driveway to a car show. He finally (after an hour...or more) got it running and made it to the gas station, but ran into some...uh problems when he tried to start it up again. He ended up having to have the thing towed back home by some of his friends. We'll see what, if anything, ends up happening with that.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

a fine line

I think that in life, we all walk very fine lines. We do it with everything, big and small. How much to work, and how much to play. Not being able to forgive or forgiving too easily. Not letting yourself have enough fun or having too much fun (come on, we've all been there!). When to hold a grudge and when to be the "let go and let live". How much to say and how much to hold back.

I've constantly struggled with the last one. I feel like no matter how much I hold back, everyone else always says whatever they want to/about me, so what's the point in me trying to be the "bigger person". I'm constantly biting my tongue when I'm with family or in-laws. They do or say things to me that they would just DIE if I said to them. I feel like screaming "It's called self-awareness...GET SOME!" Then of course, there's that time when you say something you've been holding on to for.ev.er. and the minute the words leave your lips you wish you could take take them back.

In order to prevent this from happening, I wrote my mother a letter...an 8 page letter...that was edited from 9 1/2 pages. I wrote this letter over a week ago and it's been sitting on the dining room table since then. I just can't decide if it's too much or not enough. I mean, we're talking about a lifetime of shit here. Of course, how much do I need to let go of and just forgive (even though there was never an apology).

I mentioned before, I think I'm going through a "funk" right now. I can't stop thinking of moving and getting the hell away from all of these people. I mean, is there any proof that spending 26 years surrounded by crazy people will eventually make you insane? I may be an interesting case study, if so. I feel like I just can't win. No matter what I do or say, it's wrong. No matter how I feel about something, I'm told not to have those feelings. I'm an adult, and yet I sit here worrying soooo much about what my parents and my in-laws think about me and say about me behind my back. What the hell do I care? I shouldn't! And yet, when I'm surrounded by people only telling me what I'm doing wrong, it's hard for me to see that I've done anything right. At this point, the only positive things in my life are Josh and the kids. If I didn't get the compliments from them that I get, I'd be in Seattle right now. I just feel like telling everyone else to go to hell. And the more I keep these things from them, the more I worry that I might just blurt that out at the next family dinner. I've got friends I haven't actually seen since high school that care more about me than my own family does. All they seem to care about is blaming me for LITERALLY everything. Then when I do try to talk to someone about it, they don't care, all they want to talk about is their own made up issues or the weather.

I'm walking a fine line between making myself happy and making everyone else happy. Where is the middle. Is there a middle?