happy birthday maria

As promised, today will be a sappy tear-filled blog about how far my first baby has come in the last 4 years.

I honestly am having trouble believing that this was 4 whole years ago.

That day was so hard for me to really comprehend. There was this huge part of me that wanted to be happy, but how could I be happy, knowing what she was going through. Meanwhile, sitting in my own hospital bed, unable to even see my own baby. I was (AM) so bitter about how EVERYONE got to see and touch and talk to her before I did. It was like all of this bonding was going on and none of it was between my daughter and I. Especially after everything I had been through. It is still hard for me to understand how my family would think that it was ok to spend time with my baby, before I got to. I would just sit there crying while everyone was across town with her. I was so worried about whether I would ever even get to see her alive. And the thought of the pain she was in, was so hard for me to handle. Those next few months were the hardest of our lives.
It seemed like it took so long to get to the point where she was a "normal" baby and we could just relax and take care of her like any other child. No oxygen, no medicine, no nurse...just a regular baby girl.
But, oh, how it was worth it! I remember her giggling for what seemed like hours. and she just loved that kitten we had. She would rub his tail all over her face and just laugh and laugh.

That's when things stopped going so slow and started going WAY too fast. It seems like over night she became this grown up little girl.

Including being discharged from physical, occupational and speech therapy and going to preschool for the first time!

Now she wont stop talking and she makes a joke about everything. She's a little mother to Sophia and Jackson, always wanting to help me with everything. Her favorite chore is folding laundry. She loves Barbies, horses, CLOTHES, the color pink, being outside helping daddy fix cars and the tractor. All of a sudden she doesn't need me to feed her and change her clothes (or even pick them out). She's become independent and so stinking smart it amazes me every day. We waited so long for her to take her first step (2 whole years!) and for her to speak those first words. But now we cant stop her. I'm crying my eyes out right now at thinking about how soon it will be before we're at her graduation, dancing at her wedding and holding her baby in our arms. A part of me wants her to stay this age forever, but I also know that every time she learns something knew or grows in some way, she's that much closer to what I always wanted for her. When I sat for 12 hrs a day by her isolette, I told her that she could be anything she wanted and she would change the world, and as much as it pains me, I want to stand by that. I want her to have the amazing life she deserves. She came so close to not having a life at all. She deserves to be happy and to know every day how special she is to so many people.

Now that I have gone through an entire box of tissues, I'm going to go hug her....probably until her arms go numb. LOL.