Tuesday, September 14, 2010

the forgotten post

***OK, this was actually a post from a week ago that I just realized that I forgot to actually post. It was to be titled "water, water everywhere" or something to that effect, I wasn't quite set on that. And normally I would just forget about it, but this story is pretty funny, so I felt that it needed to be shared.

I went to the grocery store last night. Now normally, that would not be an event worth mentioning on the ole blog (except for the time I hurled in Giant Eagle and left my purse in the store). However, this trip ended with me LITERALLY soaked from head to toe by the time I got home.

I arrived to the store about the usual time. And the weather was actually quite lovely. There was a chill in the air and it had me in a great mood (feeling that fall was near). One of my favorite songs was on so I sat in the car singing my heart out...er...listening quietly, until the end. I jumped out and opened the back door to get out the water jugs (we have a water cooler so we just fill the 5 gallon water jugs every week instead of buying bottled water). The little thing in the center of the lid of one of the jugs had fallen inside. So I removed the lid and started shaking it to get the little piece out. But alas, it had suctioned itself to the jug. I finally shook it loose, but OF COURSE the slippery little bugger slipped through my fingers and rolled into a crack in the floor of the van (we have stow and go and there are two itty bitty open crevices by each seat). so at this point I give up. I decide I'll just take the one in. I grab it and my canvas bags (right now, I'm realizing how "green" this post is...). So anyway, I close the door and LITERALLY 5 seconds later it starts the most ridiculous down-pour I've ever seen in my life. I stood there like a complete moron thinking
"should I go back and wait in the car"
"should I go back and get my umbrella".
"NO that's stupid, If I go back to get the umbrella, I might as well just wait in the car"
"make a decision you stupid idiot, you're soaking wet and your pants are falling down because they are now twice their normal weight due to water retention".
"Should I run?"
"NO, then your pants will fall down even faster and in front of everyone"
"should I just walk normally"
"oh sure, by the time you get there you will be even MORE wet"
"GOD you are stupid!"

So I ended up doing this really awkward fastwalkingbutnotquiterunning thing (and keep in mind that this whole time, I'm carrying an empty 5 gallon water jug, 4 canvas bags, my purse and my keys....and my pants). Except that by the time I made the decision to do THAT, it started HAILING. HUGE.FREAKING.HAIL. pelting my body like little bullets. I get in there and I am beyond soaked. My shirt is clinging to my chubby body like spandex. My pants are having to be held up by one hand at all times lest they fall around my chubby little ankles. My hair is plastered to my face and head. And my arms and face are covered in what look like little bee stings from the hail.

I really wish this was the end of the story...but alas, it is not.

I filled the one jug of water and got my groceries. By the time I left, it was down to a sprinkle, which was practically heaven in comparison to my trip INTO the store. I unload the groceries into the back and then hoist the 41.8 lbs (yes, i googled it) of water into the van on the floor behind the driver seat.

And then it happened.


It is then that I start talking to myself.

"oh. oh my goodness. oh no. oh Gaaaawwwd. It's water. Oh no. It's everywhere. What should I do? Oh, please stop. please, please stop. you're not stopping. I said stop...please."

I then tip the jug upside down (yes, as in, stand it on the 2 inch wide opening with the little plastic lid). When I do this, it stops leaking. By now, I am crouching in the back of the van trying to decide what to do. I start thinking about what horrible decision making abilities I showed 2 hrs earlier, so I call Josh.

Me: uhhh. hi
J: hiii
Me: soooo. I broke one of the water jugs.
Me: it was filled with water.
Me: and it was in the van.
J: (losing his patience by now) OOOOOOKAY
Me: and it was the only one I filled.
J: Jesus Christ!
(now who would have thought that THAT would be what set him off?...)
Me: I'm sorry, it was an accident. I think I'm just too strong for my own good.
J: Yah, I bet that's it.

Me: So what should I do?
J: leave it in the parking lot
Me: but then what will we drink?
J: Really?
Me: well, ya know, I could probably just drive home with it like it is now.
J: How is it now?
Me: upside down. Or right side up, depending on which way you want to look at it. ya know...like the glass half empty or half full thing. hehehe.
J: yah. (not at all thinking my shit is funny) just leave it in the parking lot.

So OF COURSE I drove home holding it upside down...

Every time I stopped or sped up water would slosh out all over the place. By the time I got home the 5 gallons of water was down to about 2 1/2 and the van (and myself) was soaked. Josh came out to help me bring things in. He took the water in first and when I got inside with some bags I hear this..

"oh. Oh my God. Oh no. Towels. I need towels. It's water. It's water and it's..oh God...it's EVERYWHERE"

So of course I say...

"But is there a drop to drink?" hehehehe

He did not appreciate my humor. See neither of us really thought through the way the water cooler works. The water goes down into the cooler when the air pushes it down. Now when there is a giant crack creating an ever abundant flow of air...and in turn, WATER, there is an issue. The water was spilling up over the top of the water cooler. EVERYWHERE.

"So just pull the water jug off the water cooler" you're saying. Oh sure. Easy enough. Except we did that and the little part in the center of the lid (like the one on the other jug from the beginning of the story) had been pushed into the jug. So to recap...when it's on the cooler the water comes out over the top. when it was out and upside down, the water was coming out of the lid and when we flipped it over it came out of the crack. So there we are in the kitchen, soaked to the bone trying to plug a hole and a crack with all of our hands ("that's what she said"). We ended up with it on its side over the sink, but by now, it had more like 1 gallon of water left.

Now if you didn't laugh at that, I blame myself...I really should have stopped and taken video ;-).


Jess said...

OH. MY. WORD! That was perhaps the funniest thing I read/saw all day. And I have a class of 19 kindergartners.

So...are you dry now?

TS Hendrik said...

That is a hilarious story. I've had days like that. The only thing you can do is laugh.

Danifred said...

So glad you didn't lose that post :)

And, thanks for the "that's what she said"