Saturday, June 5, 2010

a fine line

I think that in life, we all walk very fine lines. We do it with everything, big and small. How much to work, and how much to play. Not being able to forgive or forgiving too easily. Not letting yourself have enough fun or having too much fun (come on, we've all been there!). When to hold a grudge and when to be the "let go and let live". How much to say and how much to hold back.

I've constantly struggled with the last one. I feel like no matter how much I hold back, everyone else always says whatever they want to/about me, so what's the point in me trying to be the "bigger person". I'm constantly biting my tongue when I'm with family or in-laws. They do or say things to me that they would just DIE if I said to them. I feel like screaming "It's called self-awareness...GET SOME!" Then of course, there's that time when you say something you've been holding on to for.ev.er. and the minute the words leave your lips you wish you could take take them back.

In order to prevent this from happening, I wrote my mother a letter...an 8 page letter...that was edited from 9 1/2 pages. I wrote this letter over a week ago and it's been sitting on the dining room table since then. I just can't decide if it's too much or not enough. I mean, we're talking about a lifetime of shit here. Of course, how much do I need to let go of and just forgive (even though there was never an apology).

I mentioned before, I think I'm going through a "funk" right now. I can't stop thinking of moving and getting the hell away from all of these people. I mean, is there any proof that spending 26 years surrounded by crazy people will eventually make you insane? I may be an interesting case study, if so. I feel like I just can't win. No matter what I do or say, it's wrong. No matter how I feel about something, I'm told not to have those feelings. I'm an adult, and yet I sit here worrying soooo much about what my parents and my in-laws think about me and say about me behind my back. What the hell do I care? I shouldn't! And yet, when I'm surrounded by people only telling me what I'm doing wrong, it's hard for me to see that I've done anything right. At this point, the only positive things in my life are Josh and the kids. If I didn't get the compliments from them that I get, I'd be in Seattle right now. I just feel like telling everyone else to go to hell. And the more I keep these things from them, the more I worry that I might just blurt that out at the next family dinner. I've got friends I haven't actually seen since high school that care more about me than my own family does. All they seem to care about is blaming me for LITERALLY everything. Then when I do try to talk to someone about it, they don't care, all they want to talk about is their own made up issues or the weather.

I'm walking a fine line between making myself happy and making everyone else happy. Where is the middle. Is there a middle?

1 comment:

andrea said...

i don't know if there *is* a middle. there is a point where you just make the decision to say what you have to say, or not.
you know me, i am a letter writer too, so that is my preferred method of communication when I am upset - otherwise I don't get it all out there.

I have no idea what the right thing to do, but I know you will do it, what ever it may be.

i'm praying you get the strength (and confidence) you need.