Sunday, May 23, 2010

Not sure...

Right now, I'm not really sure about much. I'm definitely in a funk. I would say that I am only my normal happy, bubbly self half of the time. I'm still mentally trying to process what is going on between my mom and I. It's such and an unusual relationship that really doesn't have a beginning to the crazy. At this point, I'm just hoping it has an end. I'm hoping that she gets some serious help for her anger and learns to control it ASAP. Because as of right now, and the last 26 years, IT'S been controlling HER. It's not healthy (physically) and it certainly hasn't done me any favors.
I feel bad for my sisters, and honestly, I feel kind of bad for myself, which is a bit of an unusual feeling for me. Growing up, I was always the girl that smiled when I wanted to cry and made a joke when I was feeling like giving up. I had a bit of a sappy conversation with Josh about love...REAL love. And how when I met him I had been so brainwashed by my mom that I honestly believed that love meant always agreeing and always giving in and never having your own opinions about anything. My relationship with Josh was the most unusual and eye-opening of my life. HE showed me that two people could disagree and still love each other. We could be our own people and still be in love. We could fight and not have it be the end of our love. With my mom, none of those things are true. They never have been and they never will be.
I feel so incredibly sorry for my sisters right now, because I have been where they are. They say things to me like "you obviously don't love mom or you'd do what she wants" and if Josh and I disagree with something they say, it's "oh, wow, I'm sorry, I thought you guys loved us". It breaks my heart that they think that is what love is. I wish I could shake them and tell them there is love out there that doesn't come with strings and ultimatums. Unfortunately, they wouldn't get it anyway. They live in their own little bubbles where nothing bad has ever happened to them. The most stress they've ever experienced is a lot of homework or a shitty boyfriend. I'm glad that they haven't experience real pain, but it hurts me that they wont know real love when they see it. I know I didn't. I tested the waters with Josh more than a time or two. I probably still do. I think I still expect him to give up on me and leave, even though I KNOW that he wont. There is this little voice in my head that will always be saying "you're not good enough" and for some reason I can't shut it up completely no matter how hard I try.
Today's my Birthday. I've been alive for 26 years. I don't know what else to say about that. I think I'll do a "my favorites" post tomorrow. I'm just not in the mood today. I got 50 facebook happy birthdays from people I haven't seen since high school, my husbands family and some women I "know" only because we share the same rare disorder. But I didn't get one from my mom, my dad, my step-dad, two of my sisters and 2 of 3 of my grandparents. I don't really know how I feel about that either. I keep trying to talk Josh into moving, but unless we win the lottery, it's probably not going to happen. Until then I dream of somewhere far away...Montana or Wyoming maybe. Somewhere that I can sit in my pool on a hot day and look up at snow-capped mountains. Somewhere I can be myself and not feel bad about it.
The only thing I'm really sure of right now is THANK GOD FOR JOSH. He is the definition of "my rock".


Danifred said...

Happy belated birthday!!! Sorry your family didn't help you celebrate properly. That just sucks. I'm so glad you have Josh to support you!!!!

andrea said...

again, i think you need a big hug.
i have never understood how parents can just "disown" their children, or treat them badly or not call them on their birthday. but i have one that does that too - i'm glad he is gone, but still, not the point.

i hope your birthday was still wonderful, with YOUR family - josh,maria, sophia and jack! the family that you made, that will be there for you always, that loves you unconditionally and together makes you whole.